They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.