Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.