My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
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[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting