Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.