I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.