Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.