I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
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Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.