[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
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In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.