Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Mom is closed.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
7: “Mama, if someone licked the treadmill, would that someone get sick?”
Me: “Are you the someone?”
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.