My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
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“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.