@smithsara79

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

@smithsara79

[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*

@smithsara79

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

@smithsara79

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

@smithsara79

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

@smithsara79

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

@smithsara79

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

@smithsara79

[thanksgiving dinner]

Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive

My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!

@smithsara79

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now