@smithsara79

*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!

@smithsara79

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

@smithsara79

Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*

@smithsara79

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs