*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*