I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Think I pulled my liver
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”