Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower