*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Day 2 of my diet
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I saw nothing
My what?
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
*puts cutlery down*
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …