Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Autocorrect completely socks
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Well, shit
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix