That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Smells like a challenge to me
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Note to self: always read the final line
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
When you don’t understand how floors work
Well, this is awkward
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Every time my phone rings
