I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Safety first
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
At least try to make it slightly believable
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”