My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?