A game married people play.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.