I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.