If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.