On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes