When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*