First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.