According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Yup.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.