Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.