I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
When I snag the last meatball.
