Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.