Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.