The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.