wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
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my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.