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Page of sofarrsogud's best tweets

@sofarrsogud : The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

@sofarrsogud: KID:Dad what's the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

@sofarrsogud: Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!

Wife: But we d..

*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores

@sofarrsogud: NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food

*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression

@sofarrsogud: YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I'm ok. I'm ok. It's just a bloody nose.

@sofarrsogud: I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I'm finally battling my Damons.

@sofarrsogud: [TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

'Oh yeah, I love to cook!'
*removes salad from the microwave

@sofarrsogud: My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

@sofarrsogud: #MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up...
You hang up....
Noooo, you hang up. They're your clothes. I'm not your maid.