@sofarrsogud: KID:Dad what's the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
@sofarrsogud: Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
@sofarrsogud: NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
@sofarrsogud: YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I'm ok. I'm ok. It's just a bloody nose.
@sofarrsogud: I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I'm finally battling my Damons.
@sofarrsogud: [TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
'Oh yeah, I love to cook!'
*removes salad from the microwave
@sofarrsogud: My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
You hang up..
No, you hang up...
You hang up....
Noooo, you hang up. They're your clothes. I'm not your maid.