Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.