Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
*pronounces patio like ratio
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.