If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao