Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.