It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.