[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’