Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Wife: Why are you like this?
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.