Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@sofarrsogud : I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
@sofarrsogud: [God creating the squirrel] Shrink a red panda and give it cocaine.
@sofarrsogud: BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
@sofarrsogud: What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
@sofarrsogud: Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
@sofarrsogud: [Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
@sofarrsogud: ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
@sofarrsogud: ‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
@sofarrsogud: WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
@sofarrsogud: 'Sir, what causes a tsunami?'
'What about earthquakes?'
-Me as a teacher