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Page of sofarrsogud's best tweets

@sofarrsogud : ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.

HIM: What?

ME: What?

@sofarrsogud: ‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

@sofarrsogud: WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

@sofarrsogud: 'Sir, what causes a tsunami?'
- Godzilla
'What about earthquakes?'
- Godzilla
'And hurric..'
- Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

@sofarrsogud: BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?

ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

@sofarrsogud: ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!


Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks

@sofarrsogud: [Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

@sofarrsogud: ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?


ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

@sofarrsogud: SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.