[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.