Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Put my back out twerking in the library again