The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.