[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises