[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.