Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget
McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal
Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]