My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
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I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Ovenable?
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?