I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
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BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
The first matador