I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
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My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.